WRITING | harharhar | Page 2 of 3

McSweeney's

~~I BUY JUNK CARS AND RUN-DOWN HOUSES FOR CASH $$$. ALSO, IF YOU HAVE ANY FREE TIME, I WOULD JUST LOVE SOMEONE TO TALK TO~~

~~List: 6 New Additions to Goop, Gwenyth Paltrow’s Luxury Lifestyle Store~~

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Vulture Comedy

I'm So Sorry My Panic Room Is Such A Mess

On Behalf of Airway Airlines, Thank You For Choosing Us and Knowingly Riding This Plane Full of Supernatural Creatures

Weekly Humorist

~~Various Thoughts From People On A Greyhound Bus Watching Me Go To The Bathroom Five Times~~

~~California Proposition 65 Warnings for Social Media Apps~~

~~Ethics Training For The Galactic Empire~~

~~Sacrificing My Son Has Made Me Into An Instagram Star!~~

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Defenestration

~~Tucker’s Honky-Taco Will Gladly Donate To Hurricane Relief As Long As You Buy Something From Us~~

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The Hard Times

~~George Lucas Pitches Crazy Rich Neimoidians to Horrified Disney Executives~~

~~Secret Racist? JK Rowling Still Hasn’t Said Whether Dumbledore Would’ve Condemned The Violence In Charlottesville~~

~~I’m an Ex-NFL Plyaer and Nohtnig Is Wnrog Wtih My Brian~~

~~I’m George R. R. Martin and I’ve Never Cum Before~~

~~I Refuse to Be Body Shamed for Wearing the Skin of People I Murder~~

~~Goths Sack Sbarro, Extending Hot Topic Empire to Far Reaches of Food Court~~

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Points In Case

~~This Whole Flood Thing Sounds Pretty Bogus~~

~~Fun Things to Do in the Big City If You're a Douchebag~~

~~Armie Hammer’s Rehab Clinic for Actors Who Had to Dance on Film Once~~

~~Guy Fieri Resigns As Mayor of Flavortown~~

~~Revealing Excerpts From Winnie the Pooh's Diary~~

~~5 Gift Returns That Protest My Gift-Giver's Worldview But Do Not Reflect My Enjoyment of Their Present~~

~~Online Dating Made Me Realize I'm The One For Me~~

~~I'm Positive My Origin Story Means I'm Going to Be a Wizard Anytime Now~~

~~An Open Letter to Jay-Z and Beyoncé, My Roommates' Neglected Cats~~

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Little Old Lady Comedy

~~"This Fidget" by Faith Hill~~

~~A Series Of Unanswered Texts As If TurboTax Were A Thirsty Ex Trying To Win You Back~~

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Janice

~~The Bachelor Fantasy Suite Has Taken Us To An Alternate Dimension Where We Cannot Fuck~~

~~Dear HBO, Please Pick Up My Potential Web Series, “Spider Webs”~~

~~It's Not You, It's Me. And My Pet Velociraptor.~~

~~Welcome To Monday Night Funeral!~~

~~Thank You For Coming To Our Secret Family Crime Meeting At Chili's~~

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Robot Butt

~~Venom Argues With Eddie Brock Over Adopting a Healthier Lifestyle~~

~~I’ve Finally Reached 10,000 Hours of Not Shutting the Fuck Up About Malcolm Gladwell~~

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The Tusk

~~All Men Should Take Accountability For Their Sexual Harassment Claims, As Long As They’re Not My Brother Casey, By Ben Affleck~~

~~You Don’t Need To Help Me Bury This Corpse – It’s Your Birthday!~~

~~I Am The Celebrity Cat The World Needs Right Now~~

~~Whaddaya Mean Y’all Are Eating Our Sunscreen?!~~

~~My Boyfriend in The FBI is Constantly Invading My Privacy. It’s Because I Love You –Agent Doe~~

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Higgs Weldon

~~Say No To King Tutankhamun! #NotMyPharaoh~~

~~Thank You For Not Pointing Out That I'm On Fire~~

~~Dear Annie: My Wife Is Sleeping With Sasquatch~~

~~Don’t Make Me Pull This Car Over! Because If I Do Or Go Under 50mph It Will Explode!~~

~~Shelly Perlstein’s Letter To The Walkerville School Board RE: Today’s ‘Magic’ School Bus Field Trip~~

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Runt of the Web

~~God Announces Men To End After This Season~~

~~Stunned Scientists Discover Hidden Chamber In Pyramid Of Giza Acted As A “Delta Sky Club Lounge” Of Sorts~~

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Slop Sandwich

~~Convincing My Family I Died~~

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Funny or Die

~~12 Surprisingly Commonplace British Names - "Vinneth Dieselingham the XXX"~~

~~11 Unmistakable Signs That Mommy And Santa Are Having An Affair - "Santa keeps picking you up from soccer practice"~~

~~Why I Failed Wood Shop Class In High School - "Was always 59 minutes late to class"~~

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Above Average

~~Garry Marshall’s “Memorial Day” About Beautiful Rich White Military Ghosts~~

~~5 Facts Not In WWII History Books Because They’re About Helen Mirren (headline)~~

~~VICE Hires Fetus To Go Undercover, Report On Life In The Womb (headline)~~

~~Man Trying To Impress Woman Nervously Ends Every Text With “haha” (headline)~~

~~Man Scaring Woman With Chainsaw Clearly Doing It Because He Likes Her (headline)~~

~~Son, Mommy And Daddy Weren’t Fighting Last Night, We Were Boning (headline)~~

~~Help! My GF “Really Wants To Zigazig Ah” During Sex And I’m Clueless (headline)~~

~~Shocking! Chamillionaire Caught Riding Clean (headline)~~

~~God Set To Reboot Earth With All Female Cast (headline)~~

~~I Won’t Stop Eating Keebler Cookies Until Elves Are Paid Living Wage (headline)~~

~~This Cute Dog Falling Asleep On Me Is Disrespecting My Marriage (headline)~~

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The Golden Gate Bridge’s Suicide Note

I Can’t Stop Killing Spiders Despite Them Being Our Allies In The War On Bugs

You’re The Twelfth Person In A Row To Order A Medium Latte And Be Named Spartacus! Can This Day Get

Hey, Mom? E.T. Is Sick And I Think He’s Built A Bomb

Scientists: Dinosaur Mass Extinction Caused By Apathy, 6-Mile-Wide Asteroid

Drunk Guy: My Best Friend Just Died But If I Have Sex With Every Woman At This Bar He Will Be Resurr

Wedding Crasher: I Love Crashing Weddings Not For Empty Sex, But To Feel The Unfamiliar Warmth Of Fa

Have You Guys Heard Nightcall By Kavinsky? Pretty Sick Song

Life Hack: No One Can Ever Breakup With You If You’re Constantly At Home In A Blanket Avoiding Relat

We Shouldn’t Support The Troops Because They’re Too Heavy

I’m On The Hunt For Bigfoot And My Father’s Approval

OK, I Imagined Dragons, Now What Do I Do With Them?

My Stomach Keeps Growling — Is It Mad At Me?

If That Storm Was So Perfect, How Come It Killed Marky Mark?

My Online Quest For Love Made Me Realize I’m The Man I’ve Waited My Entire Life For