WRITING | harharhar | Page 3 of 3

McSweeney's

~~I BUY JUNK CARS AND RUN-DOWN HOUSES FOR CASH $$$. ALSO, IF YOU HAVE ANY FREE TIME, I WOULD JUST LOVE SOMEONE TO TALK TO~~

~~List: 6 New Additions to Goop, Gwenyth Paltrow’s Luxury Lifestyle Store~~

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Vulture Comedy

I'm So Sorry My Panic Room Is Such A Mess

On Behalf of Airway Airlines, Thank You For Choosing Us and Knowingly Riding This Plane Full of Supernatural Creatures

Weekly Humorist

~~Various Thoughts From People On A Greyhound Bus Watching Me Go To The Bathroom Five Times~~

~~California Proposition 65 Warnings for Social Media Apps~~

~~Ethics Training For The Galactic Empire~~

~~Sacrificing My Son Has Made Me Into An Instagram Star!~~

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Defenestration

~~Tucker’s Honky-Taco Will Gladly Donate To Hurricane Relief As Long As You Buy Something From Us~~

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The Hard Times

~~George Lucas Pitches Crazy Rich Neimoidians to Horrified Disney Executives~~

~~Secret Racist? JK Rowling Still Hasn’t Said Whether Dumbledore Would’ve Condemned The Violence In Charlottesville~~

~~I’m an Ex-NFL Plyaer and Nohtnig Is Wnrog Wtih My Brian~~

~~I’m George R. R. Martin and I’ve Never Cum Before~~

~~I Refuse to Be Body Shamed for Wearing the Skin of People I Murder~~

~~Goths Sack Sbarro, Extending Hot Topic Empire to Far Reaches of Food Court~~

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Points In Case

~~This Whole Flood Thing Sounds Pretty Bogus~~

~~Fun Things to Do in the Big City If You're a Douchebag~~

~~Armie Hammer’s Rehab Clinic for Actors Who Had to Dance on Film Once~~

~~Guy Fieri Resigns As Mayor of Flavortown~~

~~Revealing Excerpts From Winnie the Pooh's Diary~~

~~5 Gift Returns That Protest My Gift-Giver's Worldview But Do Not Reflect My Enjoyment of Their Present~~

~~Online Dating Made Me Realize I'm The One For Me~~

~~I'm Positive My Origin Story Means I'm Going to Be a Wizard Anytime Now~~

~~An Open Letter to Jay-Z and Beyoncé, My Roommates' Neglected Cats~~

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Little Old Lady Comedy

~~"This Fidget" by Faith Hill~~

~~A Series Of Unanswered Texts As If TurboTax Were A Thirsty Ex Trying To Win You Back~~

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Janice

~~The Bachelor Fantasy Suite Has Taken Us To An Alternate Dimension Where We Cannot Fuck~~

~~Dear HBO, Please Pick Up My Potential Web Series, “Spider Webs”~~

~~It's Not You, It's Me. And My Pet Velociraptor.~~

~~Welcome To Monday Night Funeral!~~

~~Thank You For Coming To Our Secret Family Crime Meeting At Chili's~~

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Robot Butt

~~Venom Argues With Eddie Brock Over Adopting a Healthier Lifestyle~~

~~I’ve Finally Reached 10,000 Hours of Not Shutting the Fuck Up About Malcolm Gladwell~~

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The Tusk

~~All Men Should Take Accountability For Their Sexual Harassment Claims, As Long As They’re Not My Brother Casey, By Ben Affleck~~

~~You Don’t Need To Help Me Bury This Corpse – It’s Your Birthday!~~

~~I Am The Celebrity Cat The World Needs Right Now~~

~~Whaddaya Mean Y’all Are Eating Our Sunscreen?!~~

~~My Boyfriend in The FBI is Constantly Invading My Privacy. It’s Because I Love You –Agent Doe~~

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Higgs Weldon

~~Say No To King Tutankhamun! #NotMyPharaoh~~

~~Thank You For Not Pointing Out That I'm On Fire~~

~~Dear Annie: My Wife Is Sleeping With Sasquatch~~

~~Don’t Make Me Pull This Car Over! Because If I Do Or Go Under 50mph It Will Explode!~~

~~Shelly Perlstein’s Letter To The Walkerville School Board RE: Today’s ‘Magic’ School Bus Field Trip~~

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Runt of the Web

~~God Announces Men To End After This Season~~

~~Stunned Scientists Discover Hidden Chamber In Pyramid Of Giza Acted As A “Delta Sky Club Lounge” Of Sorts~~

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Slop Sandwich

~~Convincing My Family I Died~~

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Funny or Die

~~12 Surprisingly Commonplace British Names - "Vinneth Dieselingham the XXX"~~

~~11 Unmistakable Signs That Mommy And Santa Are Having An Affair - "Santa keeps picking you up from soccer practice"~~

~~Why I Failed Wood Shop Class In High School - "Was always 59 minutes late to class"~~

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Above Average

~~Garry Marshall’s “Memorial Day” About Beautiful Rich White Military Ghosts~~

~~5 Facts Not In WWII History Books Because They’re About Helen Mirren (headline)~~

~~VICE Hires Fetus To Go Undercover, Report On Life In The Womb (headline)~~

~~Man Trying To Impress Woman Nervously Ends Every Text With “haha” (headline)~~

~~Man Scaring Woman With Chainsaw Clearly Doing It Because He Likes Her (headline)~~

~~Son, Mommy And Daddy Weren’t Fighting Last Night, We Were Boning (headline)~~

~~Help! My GF “Really Wants To Zigazig Ah” During Sex And I’m Clueless (headline)~~

~~Shocking! Chamillionaire Caught Riding Clean (headline)~~

~~God Set To Reboot Earth With All Female Cast (headline)~~

~~I Won’t Stop Eating Keebler Cookies Until Elves Are Paid Living Wage (headline)~~

~~This Cute Dog Falling Asleep On Me Is Disrespecting My Marriage (headline)~~

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A Conversation Between Siamese Twins After A Breakup

The Baby I'm Holding In My Tinder Profile Picture Isn't Mine But I Think It Will Help My Cha

An Open Letter to Jay-Z and Beyoncé, My Roommates’ Neglected Cats

Hey PBR, I’m Tecate And I’m The New Popular Shitty Beer In Town

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