We Shouldn’t Support The Troops Because They’re Too Heavy

America has almost exclusively been at war since our country was founded over 250 years ago. We love installing puppet governments, invading over false pretenses, or, sometimes helping to turn the tide of world wars that actually matter. Most of these engagements are polarizing for us back home because we never really know the truth of why we’re there, what we’re doing, or who we’re killing. Except civilians. We definitely kill a lot of civilians. But there is one thing almost all Americans can support, no matter the circumstances: our troops. But really, we shouldn’t be supporting them at all. Why, you ask? Because they’re too damn heavy!

The average American male soldier weighs between 130–247lb, and for female soldiers, between 119–233lb. You’d think this weight is within the ballpark of what regular people weigh, therefore, making them no more difficult to lift than our own bodies, but you’d be wrong. Dead wrong. Zombie wrong. The reason being that the average American soldier carries 60–90lb of gear, depending on what kind of extra killing equipment is loaded onto their laser-bazooka-lined shoulders.

That means that the lightest of male soldiers actually weigh 210lb, and for females, 199lb. The heaviest max out at 337lb and 313lb. If that doesn’t scare you, it should, because most Americans don’t even work out, only eat fast food, and loathe the idea of breaking a sweat that isn’t caused by eating hot wings. Do you really think there is a chance that they’d be able to lift up the body of a soldier without harming themselves or the soldier in question? Didn’t think so.

Consider this public service announcement to those who have been supporting the troops for all these years without acknowledging the long term, adverse physical and mental health effects of attempting to support the weight of our soldiers that are generally impossible to raise without a forklift. Stop it, please, stop it now. For your own safety and for theirs. You’re going to severely hurt yourself and those you care about if you keep blindly trying to lift up every soldier that you happen to see pumping gas while wearing their fatigues or scooping up every Army brat in line for the 2:20 showing of Dirty Grandpa.

Think of your family. What would they say if their father, mother, son, or daughter up and slipped a disk or broke their wrist or worse yet, died one day when they tried to support a soldier that they were unequipped to carry because they hadn’t done the research and considered the facts ?

So, the next time you see a soldier in public, give the old reverse Nike a try.

Just don’t do it.