A Conversation Between Siamese Twins After A Breakup
PAUL
I’m sooo sad! I miss Brian!
JEFF
I know...I know, Paul. And I know this probably isn’t the best time to say this, but it’s the right time.
PAUL
What are you talking about?
JEFF
You really need to get over him. It’s been almost a month. That’s plenty of time to stop crying non-stop every day. I’m dehydrated – we’re dehydrated. Constantly.
PAUL
I’m sorryyyy.
JEFF
It’s okay, it’s okay. That said, I just wanted to remind you: it’s my turn to pick who we date. And I’ve already scheduled a date. And it’s soon.
PAUL
But we just broke up with Briannn.
JEFF
Technically, yes, we did break up with Brian. But technically, no, because that’s not what “just” means. I'm pretty sure “just” means very recently, like within minutes or hours.
PAUL
I guess we just share differing semantics on the usage of the word.
JEFF
Um, I don’t think that’s correct, but I don’t want to argue about that right now. Anyways, like I said, we have a date coming up. And that’s something that is real that we will be experiencing shortly.
PAUL
But I need more time to get over Briannn.
JEFF
Well, Paul, I’m not trying to be a dick, but you have about three hours to get over him because that's when our date is. Her name is Ashley, I just matched with her on Tinder, and we’re meeting her at Brick and Mortar for drinks.
PAUL
Oh my goddd...you made this date a month ago and you're just now telling me?! And it’s with a girl?!
JEFF
Dammit! No! I scheduled the date four hours ago. And yes, it’s with a girl. Look, I know we’ve only been dating men, but I feel like we’re young and we’re still evolving sexually; we're still being molded. And I just don't think our wax has hardened yet, and it will harden.
PAUL
I guess you’re right. We shouldn’t limit our options of available sexual partners to just one gender.
JEFF
Right! Now don’t get me wrong, Brian was fantastic and Tyler was great, and Josh...well, he was an asshat.
PAUL
A big, fat, asshat that no one would wear!
JEFF
Yes! But with the Brians come the Joshes. And even though we both loved Brian, we still were hurt when he broke up with us. But you know what? We have to keep moving on, trying new people. That's the game we play.
PAUL
Yeah, I suppose so.
JEFF
And think about it: Ashley could be just as fantastic as Brian, if not more so, but in different ways!
PAUL
I never thought about it like that.
JEFF
Well hop to it! Plus, I know this thought probably hasn’t crossed your mind, but this means, if Tinder works the way I think it works–
PAUL
–you mean like a straight Grindr?
JEFF
Exactly! And if that’s true, we’ll probably end up having casual sex with her! And then we’ll know what that feels like! Isn’t that exciting?
PAUL
Yeah...and m-maybe Ashley is progressive and...and she’s into anal play.
JEFF
She very well could be! And that would be great, wouldn’t it? We’d get the best of both worlds!
PAUL
That's true...it would be...pretty neat.
JEFF
That said, we shouldn't get our hopes up and create a bunch of false expectations about her. Let's discover who she is on this date.
PAUL
Okay!
JEFF
Dude, thank you! For being so understanding and open to this. I know it’s such short notice, but I just couldn’t wait any longer.
PAUL
No, thank you, you’re right. I shouldn't be wallowing in my own sadness and self pity for this long. It's time to move on.
JEFF
Hey man, don't get too down on yourself, it's natural. We all grieve differently. And you just so you know, I’m always gonna be here to support you, whether we like it or not! Haha!
PAUL
Hah.
JEFF
Anyways... there’s something else I wanted to tell you before we meet Ashley.
PAUL
What? D’we have another date after? Hah. Hah.
JEFF
No no no. I just wanted to say: I love you, brother.
PAUL
I love you too, brother.
JEFF
Now, let’s go on this date and let’s get laid! Together!