Captain Hook: Let’s Put Ticking Clocks In Every Alligator To Prevent Other Tragedies That Aren’t Dis

A lot of people get the wrong impression of me, say I don’t care about anything but killing Peter Pan and running Neverland as a benevolent dictator. Well just because I want those things doesn’t mean I don’t care about the children. Case in point, I recently I kidnapped Peter’s unruly offspring because I wanted to raise them as my own and forcibly turn his son Jack into my heir. If they had died under my care I don’t know what I would do. And so when I heard about the events in our sister city, Disneyland, I knew someone had to do something. That’s why I propose we place ticking clocks in every alligator to prevent other tragedies that aren’t Disneyland’s fault.

The plan is simple: put a clock in every croc (and alligator). Plus, it’s backed up by the very fact that after Peter Pan cut off my hand and fed it to the crocodile, the ticking clock that remains in its belly is a warning to me of its presence. The difference is I put the clock there folks! Because I’m a human who is responsible for himself. I didn’t go asking Disneyland to do it for me, even though I was in Disneyland at the time when it happened and under their implied protection.

Unfortunately for every other alligator or crocodile in the world, no such warning system exists, as much as Disneyland wishes there were one, because they care. Those reptiles roam about the earth with no such mechanism to alert people they’re nearby. It’s hardly the responsibility of Disneyland to formally alert the public that alligators live near their facilities via verbal warnings or signage in areas where large groups of prey, I mean humans, gather to watch movies. That’s just loco.

People ultimately need to be more responsible. And the number one thing on their mind when they’re visiting the ‘happiest place on earth’ should be: what’s the alligator situation like? Disneyland shouldn’t have to place barriers between alligator habitats and a place where their visitors enjoy the theme park. Those fences cost money! Disneyland doesn’t have time to listen several people on separate occasions reporting that they saw alligator close to shore. There is not a moment to spare! Nor should Disneyland employees have to act on those reports when they’re busy making children and families everywhere happy. That would be too much.

To be clear: If there is anyone at fault in the case of the boy from Nebraska, I think you will all agree — it was the parents.