Science: Sitting On Someone’s Face Really Can Kill Them

In today’s day and age, being alive is seemingly more dangerous than it has ever been. From genetically modified food to the constant and very real threat of terrorism that could happen anywhere at any moment, it seems as if the world is striving to murder us all. The stress that blooms from the constant worrying naturally leads us — the weary populace — to seek comforts, like sitting on people’s faces. But now a new study is saying that America’s ritual of winding down can actually cause death to the sitee.

“The evidence against sitting on someone’s face is indefensible,” says UCLA researcher Dr. Tim Kaplowski. “We performed thousands of trials featuring people of every gender and ethnicity over a 21 year period. As a person who sits on someone’s face regularly and derives great pleasure from it, it pains me to be forced to say that every single person in our study died if someone sat on their face long enough.”

The news of this study is causing a shockwave throughout the nation as a large portion of Americans spend a majority of their days sitting on someone’s face. The average work commute consists of 25.4 minutes of sitting on someone’s face, followed by an 8-hour workday of face-sitting, another 25.4 crush sesh, and finally, a 5 hour block of groin-to-face-smushing that is coupled with watching television. All told, Americans spend about 79 hours a week with their crotches on top of someone else’s face, so it’s safe to say face-sitting is as American as eating a cheeseburger on the Fourth of July while you pilot a drone to bomb a schoolyard in Yemen.

Face-sitting is already drawing comparisons to other normal ways that people de-stress, like picking random fights with strangers, drinking excessively, and smoking cigarettes. “Again, I hate saying anything disparaging about this, but I’ve been compelled to inform the public that face-sitting is the ‘new’ smoking. I’m so sorry,” said Dr. Kaplowski, who was sitting on the face of an intern during the interview. He has since been fired for his remarks and is being sued by the grieving intern’s family.

Being that one of the principles that America was founded on states that we possess the inherent and inalienable rights to preserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, it’s likely face-sitting will turn into one of the most important supreme court issue of the modern era. Kaplowski argues, “Before some fat cat politician decides to ruin our fun again, I’d say we all should make the most of it while we can. I know I will. Also, if anyone wants me to sit on their face, my OK Cupid profile name is GoodBoySit79. I’m online right now.”