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I Got Mad, Then Got Glad Trash Bags, But I Still Can’t Get Over My Dead Son

Being a parent is tough. Every day you are beset by a myriad of troubles that stem from your children. Most of them are typical of youth, like receiving a bad grade on a test, starting a fight, or having the K9 dog find their stash of K2 in their gym locker. These problems just come with the territory. However, there is one thing no parent should have to do: bury their own child. I thought I would be excluded from this nasty category, that is, until my son Phillip jumped off the underpass of the I-290 Bridge into the river below, and then died later that night from doing too many whippits. Nothing can prepare you for something like that. All I wanted to do was to stop feeling wildly mad, so I went to my local Shaws to pick up some Glad trash bags in a bid to ease my suffering. Despite the purchase, I am still devastatingly upset.

RIP Phillip

The Glad trash bag adverts echoed what I thought was a surefire way to remove these feelings of anger and sadness: “Don’t get mad, get Glad.” It perfectly encapsulated the very same emotions I was experiencing — feeling mad — and the solution — getting glad. I thought it was a win-win in the sense that not only would it wash away the lingering feeling that I will never be able to emotionally recover from what happened and I would be able to make full use of Glad’s Kitchen ForceFlex® Bags, whose unique Diamond Texture stretches to prevent rips and tears. If only my heart had a unique Diamond Texture, for it is surely torn.

Perhaps the “glad” effect takes a while to really take hold? So far I haven’t been able to find anything on the labeling that indicates when, exactly, I will start to feel glad. Maybe I was a fool in thinking it would happen instantly, though it has been several weeks since the accident. Since then, I’ve been throwing away a lot of garbage as a result of jettisoning random household items into the wall out of rage. As it stands now I’ve gone through three, maybe four bags, and each Kitchen ForceFlex® Bag holds 13 gallons, which would equate to about to 52 gallons worth of anger trash.

You know what? I think I’ve figured it out. Despite all of my interactions with the Glad bags and my intimate knowledge of their specs, there is one I haven’t paid much attention to: the 3-ply drawstring grips. Its design is to ensure that, despite what you put into the bag, it stays securely attached to the rim of your garbage bin. The underlying implication for a grieving parent like me, of course, is that should the 3-ply drawstring grips find its way around my neck, with the ForceFlex® Bag covering my head, it would be near impossible to remove once tautly secured.

Now, I don’t feel too glad right now, but I know that in just a few short minutes after I’ve set everything up, I should be on a one-way-train to Gladville.

Wish me luck!

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