Report: White People Already Gentrifying Upside Down Brooklyn
September 17, 2016
Just when you thought everyone was done talking about Stranger Things because the hype train had left the station, signifying it had already run its course in the pop culture news cycle and was descending into irrelevancy until season two — it is being forced through the grinder once more. Except this time, it isn’t a bid by the show’s marketing team to coerce the public to never stop talking about it. The reason for its resurgence in the news is more sinister. According to recent reports, white people are already gentrifying Upside Down Brooklyn.
The news shouldn’t come as much of a shock to the people who already are familiar with the fact that crackers have been heavily gentrifying regular world Brooklyn for the past decade. They’ve managed to do their worst by installing luxurious high-rise apartment complexes in areas that regular residents can’t afford, renovating old neighborhoods, and retrofitting old warehouses for their tech startups. This inevitably has raised the cost of living as well as the number of people with Macklemore haircuts on fixed-gear bikes, sporting tote bags filled with nutritional yeast and kale overflowing at the brim. The selfsame terror is now gripping Upside Down Brooklyn, with nary a thought to the well-being of the Demagorgons who were born and raised there.
“I don’t know what to do, honestly,” says Flaorg, a 65 year old, third-generation Demagorgon from Upside Down Bushwick. “My pension is barely enough for me as it is, and now my rent could be jacked up. I guess the only bright side is that there will be more food walking around, even if they all look like a buncha boobs.”
As of today, a 1 million square-foot luxury complex is set to be installed at the old Upside Down Rheingold Brewery as well as a 400,000 square-foot luxury complex at Upside Down 10 Montieth Street, echoing the selfsame developments being installed in regular world Brooklyn. Both complexes are being executed by the same developer, a real world real estate shark.
“I kinda like it,” says Jefferson Fartcomb, a 21 year old reporter for Upside Down Vice. “It’s like, dark and creepy and scary. And it’s just got this raw, authentic vibe. And the view of Upside Down Manhattan is clutch ay-eff.”
If this news is an indicator of things to come, it appears as if the white devils are going to continue emulating the same gentrification strategy that already has been a proven success in real world Brooklyn and simply apply it to Upside Down Brooklyn.
Flaorg says, “At the end of the day it’s just honkies doin’ what honkies do best — ruinin’ everything for everybody.”