God: I Killed Those 300 Reindeer Because I Really Want Reindeer BBQ To Be A Thing
August 31, 2016
Hello my faithful supporters! I hope you all are well! I know quite a lot of you aren’t, but for those who are — let it be known that I am just as excited as you are for how fabulous your lives are going. To the unfaithful heathens — I cannot wait until your demise that sends you down to Lucifer. You deserve it for not having my back all the time. That said, this message is for everyone*! For those unaware, I recently — through the power of lightning — struck down some 300 reindeer in Norway a couple of days ago and I just wanted to clear up why I did it: I really want reindeer BBQ to be a thing.
I know what you’re thinking, I mean, I am God, holy creator of Earth, bringer of life on the 6th day, and omnipresent being who can read all of your thoughts. Plus, I have seen everything past, present, and future, it’s pretty sweet. Any who, a lot of mind-reading led me to find that many of you are incredibly upset at the fact that I toasted Santa’s trusty steeds and I just wanted to say that I get why you’re peeved. But do you know what I think would make you feel better? Trying some medium-rare reindeer. Seriously, that stuff is amazing.
I just picked myself up a Vision Grills Kamado Pro Ceramic Charcoal Grill and I don’t think I’m ever going back to propane, seriously. You just don’t get that smoky flavor with a tasteless gas. Sorry not sorry! I’ve been experimenting with a lot of exotic meats like panda, giraffe, and manatee — none of which were really my cup of tea, but they are not without their merits. Odin (yes, that Odin, it’s a long story) suggested reindeer and I thought he was out of his gourd. But after cooking that Rudolph filet for four minutes on each side, then letting it rest for five minutes, I gotta say, I cut through it like butter. And the taste, wowza.
As far as big events go, I haven’t really done much in a while, so after I absolutely fell in love with reindeer steak I just wanted to spread my joy to you. Those 300 reindeer I slaughtered were a gift to the people of Earth from me, so please — eat them up! Marinate them in some Kikkoman Teriyaki or Sweet Baby Ray’s original, heck I bet a Jamaican jerk rub would be divine. Grill it, smoke it, turn it into beef jerky — that magical meat can do it all! You’re all invited to BBQ those reindeer any which way you please. Unless you don’t believe in me. Then it’s not for you.
One more thing: once the reindeer-BBQ-craze starts kicking in, just be sure to give me credit for it. Or else.