I Let The Beautiful Day Get Away From Me Just Once And Now I Fear I’ll Never Be Happy Again

August 8, 2016

Every day we spend here on this beautiful Earth is yet another blessing. It is a chance to do our part as human beings by experiencing the richness of life in all its pains and pleasures. To waste a day is to forego the chance to take part in something greater than yourself and to do so is detrimental to your mind, body, and soul. That’s why I wake up and make the most of every single moment I have, because who knows what day could be my last? But today, I just sort of let the beautiful day get away, and now I’m afraid I’ll never be happy again.

I would characterize myself as a consistently upbeat person, as I, like I alluded previously, really like to wring all the life juice out of every day rag I get. It’s a habit that has been ingrained in me since I was a child and has been become second nature, muscle memory. That was until I absentmindedly failed to recognize the beauty of the day for once. Now I feel as if I found a friend that was going to take me out of this place, and then they didn’t. That and sidesplitting guilt, constricting sadness, and an overall feeling of gloom and doom. Does this ever go away?

 

Perhaps it was the day’s fault. It was a rainy, overcast, and generally grey. Normally I flip-turn those perceptions upside down. That day should’ve auto-translated to “let’s do fun stuff indoors like watch Netflix, eat candy, and catch up on some reading!” but instead, it worked out to “I’m going to brood about why I’m not at the right spot in my five-year plan and think about the reasons Claire dumped me.” I clearly let the day get away from me. Now I feel like I’m luckless and have no reason to care anymore.

 

What I’d do for someone, anyone, to touch me, to see if I still feel anything. I just need to be taken back to that other place where I was for so long, the happy place. I’m not out of hope yet. I can still find myself even if I’m not exactly sure what my destination is. Maybe it’s something completely new?

 

You know what? Yeah! I’m not happy now, so what? I don’t need it now, obviously. That must be what the universe is telling me. I don’t know, I can feel it somehow, if that makes sense. I mean, I’ve been all over the world, it’s logical that I would start to appreciate life in new ways. You tell me that seeing China, seeing canyons, seeing tuna fleets, seeing Bedouin fires, seeing oil fields, and seeing birds wouldn’t change you!

 

Ah, feels good to be able to put a label on this now. My heart is a bloom.

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© 2019 BY BEN HARGRAVE