Weddings: A time for joy, a time for celebration, and a time for two people to declare their unremitting devotion to one another as their loved ones look on. It’s also a time for me to crash the whole shebang and par-tay! I get away with it by role-playing false identities that I invent based on publicly available information about the parties involved. This allows me to assimilate, undetected, into the group mind. But unlike regular wedding crashers, my goal is not to engage in passionless sex, no, no. I crash to feel the unfamiliar warmth of a familial love.
When two people get married, it brings out the happiest, truest, and most vulnerable emotions from both families involved. And boy do I love pretending to know everyone so that I can feed on that energy!
You see, I grew up an orphan, and was bounced around from foster home to foster home my entire life. I’ve simply never been able to experience what it’s like to have a real family who loves me, cares for me, and guides me. The constant depression coupled with the knowledge that I was purposefully abandoned by my birth parents is a crippling condition. Luckily, I discovered that I’m always just six glasses of wine away from becoming best friends with some bride’s fun-loving uncle. Then I get to feel like I’m a part of something that makes life worth living!
Getting to know both families almost feels like cheating because I get a double-dose of familial affection, but I gotta say, I can’t complain! Whether I’m showing the little niece of the groom how to tie her shoelaces or stealing a dance with the bride’s grandma, it’s like I’m being doused in a liquid rainbow of acceptance, happiness, and support — all things I’ve rarely ever felt.
Most people crash weddings with the sole purpose of ignoring their true self through unemotional fornicating, and to them I say: I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you would go so low as to pretend to be someone you’re not just so you can take advantage of a situation that will ultimately end poorly for you.
That’s why I do what I do: to actually get something valuable out of it — not a temporary falsehood, like an orgasm — but something long-lasting and real. You see, the love that I feel not only satiates my inherent desire to feel wanted, but it also gives me the necessary fuel I need to survive in the interim before the next wedding without killing myself!
Now if anyone knows of a wedding that’s happening in the next two days, please contact me ASAP. I only have enough love-juice to last me until Wednesday and the temptation to jump off a bridge is overbearing.