Breakups are the inevitable, generally messy things that follow the tail end of once-beautiful relationships. They are also what will eventually happen to the Cascadia Subduction Zone, resulting in tens of thousands of deaths and the destruction of billions of dollars’ worth of property. So you could say they’re about the same. Much like the CSZ, breakups are also a result of time unwinding and Murph’s Law, which states that if there’s a shitty way for something to end, it most likely will do so in the shittiest form possible. It seems now more than ever is time for a new life hack that aims to alleviate the pain of a relationship’s demise. The solution is here: avoid relationships altogether by forever staying at home wrapped up in a blanket.
You can’t ignore the facts: 100% of relationships and breakups happen when you leave your house. You could even argue that relationships born on dating websites or World of Warcraft servers that are exclusively long-distance and never result in physical intimacy began as a result of leaving the house, Matrix-style. So, if you never leave your home physically or digitally, via the web, you can never be broken up with because you’ll never be able to communicate with anyone in order to begin a pair bond. That’s step one.
Step two is to get wrapped up in your softest Pier 1 blanket, or Snuggie, if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s cool, no judgements here. The reason being that you’re going to need something comfortable to encapsulate you to simulate the physical touch of a partner — or the humming warmth of a desktop PC — and to remind yourself that you’re home, you’re safe, no one can ever hurt you. Studies show babies love blankets, and you never leaving the cotton cocoon of your choosing takes you back to a pre-rational thought state that will soothe your mind, body, and soul.
That’s it! In just two easy steps you can avoid the heartbreak of having your heart broken by anyone, ever. Why risk putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, finding someone you’re physically and mentally attracted to who has that perfect quality of having just enough similar interests but also possessing delightfully different tastes and life experiences that makes them a unique, wonderful person that you can love and learn from, and be challenged and inspired by, thereby bettering yourself as an individual who is only alive for just the blink of an eye in this infinite, cold, and lonely universe in which, ultimately, all we have is each other and the selfsame goal of achieving some semblance of happiness, however brief, by living harmoniously with nature and our fellow humans — only for them to dump you!