As we all know, after the Solar Storm of 2111 sent the Earth to a period known as the Dark Ages, two World Wars were quickly fought due to the debilitating conditions caused by the coronal mass ejection of the sun. Regrettably, the Storm and ensuing wars resulted in the mutual destruction of all of civilization’s digital and physically recorded history, leaving us with no understanding of what happened beforehand – or so we thought. Having won both of the wars due to our alliances with Germany, Japan, and Russia in our battles against Canada, Mexico and England, the United States was left to rebuild once more. And then we found them.
Since uncovering numerous circle disc copies of historical recordings that date back to the 20th and 21st centuries, we have been given unprecedented glimpses into Earth’s past, thanks to none other than prominent historian and world leader, Weird Al Yankovic.
His accounts of the past have been studied for decades – lending us a view into our history that so easily could have been lost forever. And so, it is with great pleasure that I announce our newest discovery, found on April 23rd, 2289, of a circle disc that contains information that will likely reshape the very fabric of our understanding of Earth’s pre-Storm history.
In his recording, titled “The Saga Begins,” Weird Al paints a picture of Earth unlike any that we have known about thus far. It commences in a distant galaxy on a planet called Naboo – undoubtedly a celestial body that the American government had colonized. Weird Al was a high ranking government soldier, known as a Jedi, who was working with his partner Qui-Gon Jinn (most likely a Japanese man) to persuade the overarching intergalactic government known as the Federation to stop their trade blockade of the unincorporated United States territory.
The Federation attempted to kill the pair, but luckily Weird Al and his Asian associate escaped to Naboo, where they met a local lord who enabled them to visit the Nabooian Queen to ask for her counsel. They then traveled to and became trapped on a planet called Tatooine – another lucky recipient of American colonization – where he met a young slave named Anakin who Weird Al could sense would be a great representative of the United States government in the future.
The boy was quite young, but had, according to Weird, an uncanny, and innate understanding of American socio-political policies, something he labeled, “the Force.” It remains unclear why Weird decided to include a description of the boy’s attraction to the Queen of Naboo and their age difference, but these first-hand details only makes the truth all the more enriching and compelling.
Al and Jinn bet Anakin’s freedom on a “pod” race in which Anakin won, allowing them to leave (we again assume “pod” is a synonym for “car”). They immediately took the boy genius to the Jedi Council on a planet called Coruscant, where the US government had installed a Naval base and school – a place in which Al hoped Anakin could be groomed for a position in power. Anakin reportedly possessed an astonishing number of what Al calls “midi-chlorians,” which we equate in modern-day terms to IQ points, and felt he was meant to fulfill a prophesy that could bring balance and bipartisanship to the Council.
Ultimately, the panel, based on a decision by their president, Yoda, decided the boy was susceptible to “the dark side of the Force” – ostensibly the opposite of American democracy, so probably socialism, communism, or a combination of both. They then forbade his enrollment in their school. Jinn, an adamant supporter of early education and the idea that no child should be left behind, went directly against the orders of the president and declared he would teach the boy himself.
They returned to Naboo with the Queen and took part in an epic battle against the Federation’s army in which Anakin – also a prodigal spaceship pilot – engaged in aerial heroics and turned the outcome of the war in Naboo’s favor, saving the planet from destruction. Unfortunately, Jinn died in battle along with his friend, Darth Maul (a Russian soldier, no doubt), due to unclear circumstances. That said, Al remarks that Jinn did return as an apparition – a thinly-veiled declaration of his affliction with PTSD. Al ends the recording by stating that he will take over Jinn’s role and teach the boy, hinting that he may “be Vader” – a term we have concluded is akin to our word for “leader” – at some period in the future.
This historical recording is truly a revelation in terms of pre-Storm Earth history and shows how far we had come, and sadly, how far we have fallen. Archaeologists are now working around the clock to hopefully uncover any more Weird Al recordings that detail Anakin’s future, trade relations with distant planetary governments, how to contact our deep-space territories, or instructions on how to build spaceships capable of intergalactic travel. As it currently stands, the United States of the World government is planning to erect a solid gold statue of Weird Al at the USW capital in Albuquerque, New Mexico, in his honor. They plan to base his likeness off the image affixed to the historical recording, “Off the Deep End," and predict that the monument should be completed in time for New Year's.
- Dr. Alcott Krawkaw, PhD, President of the USW Historical Recordings Division