The Baby I'm Holding In My Tinder Profile Picture Isn't Mine But I Think It Will Help My Chances

February 10, 2016

Look, everyone loves babies and the numbers don't lie. I read the other day that like over half of the most popular videos on YouTube have either babies or animal babies in them. And a billion people use YouTube and most of them are guys so that means a ton of guys are watching baby videos, which means they're really into babies. That said, loving babies isn't something guys or girls really have a choice in deciding, it's second nature. Think about it. From a science standpoint, it's in us as humans to love babies because we’ve been making them for thousands of years and it’s ingrained in our heads that we have to have them, and it just wouldn’t make sense to have to have them but not love them, you know?

 

Anyways, I think it's a good profile pic because I want all the guys to know that I’m good with kids. And I made sure to say in the third line of my bio that the baby isn't mine so they shouldn’t even be worried that I’ve already had a kid with someone else (if they even took the time to read the whole thing…smh). Speaking of, I’m already 24 and I feel sooo old and like I’m running out of time to have a baby and I think being good with kids is a trait a lot of guys on Tinder are looking for. Plus it’s really a great photo. My sister Courtney just got into photography and took it with her new Canon she just splurged on. Trust me, it looks really good, like, the lighting and everything. In the pic I’m holding Courtney's newest addition, Katie (a little bald cutie-pie!), and we’re both just all smiles because we already have such a great aunt-niece connection, even though she's only 2 (trippy, I know!). I literally can’t wait to watch her grow up and be like a second mother to her and take care of her on the weekends when Courtney and Dave go to Mohegan Sun. 

 

I mean, I’m not on Tinder to hook up (side note: it seems like every guy on there only wants to hook up! WTF is wrong with people?). Message to you guys (you know who you are): you’re gross and there’s absolutely no classy girls out there that just want to hook up. It’s a DATING app, not a SEX app! And besides, the only girls that just want to hook up are sluts, so if that’s what you want, go ahead! Enjoy your STDS and BDSM!

 

As for me, I just want meet a really good guy with a stable job, who loves kids (obvi!), and is cool with just staying in on Sundays (and even some Saturdays too, LOL) to snuggle, watch Netflix, drink a bottle (or 2 or 3!) of Yellow Tail, and eat some Ben & Jerry’s and count it as a cheat day. You know, just like, a regular guy. Is that too much to ask? It seems to be, because all the guys I talk to on Tinder are just looking for non-committal, casual stuff. It’s really sad. I feel sorry for them when they talk about how they're really busy professionally and just want to have sex and are down to hang out as friends but have no desire to be mutually exclusive and invest the time and commitment that comes with that type of relationship. Why are guys such cowards assholes?

 

I just don’t get it. Are there any good guys left anymore? Did we run out? I hope not. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle being 24 and alone for much longer. 

 

 

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© 2019 BY BEN HARGRAVE