By Jack Hammmer
For all women, having perfect sex is a quandary. After years of having sex with thousands of women I paid to perform, I’ve discovered that perfect sex is both possible and attainable. So, let the following situation serve as a template to solve every single one of your intimacy issues. And don’t fret, this easy to follow formula readily applies to every woman on Earth, no questions.
Begin by being a Caucasian, bisexual woman with a 37-25-37 figure, Botox lips, bleached blonde hair, and an outfit comprised entirely of latex. A regular Jo. You should be alone in your apartment, sitting on a polka dotted bean bag, and waiting for an extra-large pizza to arrive that you couldn’t possibly finish all by yourself.
Call to Action
Next, the doorbell should ring, leading you to discover that a strapping young man with eight-pack abs, a chest to envy a silver-back gorilla, and devilish grin – a stereotypically average adult male – is the transporter of said ‘za. Ideally he will open the box to reveal, at the bulls-eye center, his erect penis. A cock ring should be protecting him from the piping hot three-cheese medley encircling his member. It will be natural to find yourself being secretly impressed both by his DIY craftsmanship and his bravado.
Make it known that his actions are very outlandish, but avoid making him feel insecure – he just took a big leap. Take care to examine his attractive erection as it protrudes from the cardboard, all the while being surrounded by grease that will surely prevent the box from ever being recycled properly. At this point, sexual urges will take over your biological desire for nourishment and logically turn to a strong, heterosexual hankering for cock.
Sex will begin right when you allow him to enter your mouth. It is advised to make intentional choking and gagging noises to compound the unintentional ones. Intermittently using baby talk is also highly encouraged, as it will likely conjure up some deep-seeded issues that will arouse him more than they confuse and divide his sense of self. You must be careful not to scorch your nose on the mozzarella-parmesan-gouda trio, or slip a lip onto a pepperoni land mine that will just burn you instead of explode.
After several minutes, you should begin feeling surprised at how good you are at sex. Your head will be zipping up and down like you’re bobbing for apples, and your hands will be grabbing your breasts as well as his balls as if they had minds of their own. It is common at this point to believe that you are in outer space due to the lack of oxygen and the sensation of weightlessness as you effortlessly have sex. Unfortunately, you would be wrong. That feeling will be the result of his hands shoving your head off and on his Johnson at a hectic pace. Try to be as ready for this as you can.
As time progresses, the seconds will feel like minutes and the minutes will feel like hours and the hours will feel like eternity and just when you think your jaw is going to fall off, you’ll reach the nirvana of knowing that at this very instant, you are having perfect sex. Drink up the moment in addition to the seed he will likely have spent in your mouth. Don’t offend him by not ingesting every single last one of his dying offspring. It would really hurt his feelings.
Time to Meditate
At this point your lover will most likely take his leave because to give you time to rest and think about what just happened. Most women who experience perfect sex like this need to ruminate on such a life-changing event. Thankfully, most men who are capable of helping a woman have perfect sex are respectful enough to grant you this time and space. Be grateful for it.
So, there you have it: a no-frills, simple way for any woman to have perfect sex every time. The secret is a secret no longer. Now you can go out in the world, knowing full well that you have the keys to having perfect sex right in your Burberry. So get out there and try it yourself!
Jack Hammmer is a retired porn star, philanthropist, and author. He has starred in over 700 adult films in his twenty-eight year career, is the proud father of three barely legal girls, and is super stoked about season four of Orange is the New Black. He currently resides in Portland, Oregon, with his wife and Samoyed, Mr. Fister.